BLOGS

Saturday Morning, April

Kisanii was in her room on the floor, sitting on her legs, drawing again. Looked like a dog, or another wolf. She loved to draw, especially animals, but she could manage people pretty good, too. I smiled at my little artist, proud. I glanced around the room, at the varying posters of wolves, dogs, and pups on her walls. I walked on past the room without saying anything, thinking, leaving Kisanii to her art.

When the phone rang, I knew who it was. I didn't want to answer, because I knew what she wanted. It was the same thing she had been asking about for weeks now, and I keep putting it off, keep giving her the run around, but summer was almost here and I needed to decide...

“Hello?” I heard my husband ask. His voice was softer as he spoke, more soothing, and my suspicions were confirmed. Yes, it's her. He only talks like that with his mom. I froze, waiting.

“Let me go ask her,” I heard my husband say, and his voice was getting closer. “Hey,” he approached me, touched my arm, gently. “It's my mother. She wants to know if Kisanii can come out there this summer. I told her I would talk to you.” He lifted his eyebrows, pleading with his puppy-dog eyes.

I knew he wanted me to say yes, and I hesitated, because I wanted to say no. But I really had no reason to. Not really. He waited, then said, “I'm ok with her going out there.” I hesitated again, thinking, knowing. Deciding. He put the phone on speaker, and I took the phone from him.

“Hello,” I said into the phone.

“Well, Miss Kali! Long time no hear from! How are you?” she asked me, enthusiastically. I knew this was for my husband's benefit.

“Hey, good; how are you doing?” I felt I was forcing it in my attempt to sound light-hearted.

Don't get me wrong. I do love my Mother-in-Law, especially after eighteen years of knowing her. But until me, she hadn't been used to anyone telling her no, or going up against her. I do try to be respectful of her age and knowledge – that's how I was taught – so sometimes I give in to her. As long as it doesn't interfere with my family's needs, I was good.

It's not that she was pushy. She was just a true Alpha-female, just expected a yes out of everyone, and always had good reason why everyone should be in compliance with anything she wanted. Me, well, I just always marched to the beat of my own drum, and my hackles rose almost unconsciously whenever she and I interacted. Today was no different.

“Well, I'm alive,” she responded, and I knew she was smiling. I laughed slightly at the familiar phrase she always used. It didn't matter what was going on with her, she was always just glad to be alive. She had reason.

“I'm just trying to get something locked down for Kisanii to come out and stay with me this summer,” she continued. “What does you all's calendar look like?”

“Well,” I said, “I think we are clear, I mean, we hadn't made any definite plans,” I said, stressing the word definite.

“So, can she come out in early May? I can keep her for the whole summer. I have a lot of things going on that I know she would enjoy – some art shows, church functions – she can spend some time with her cousins – they will be out here in June...” She quickly listed several things, several activities that she was sure my daughter would want to participate in, giving me no real reason I could say out loud, to reject the plan.

“Oh, ok,” I said, which was all she allowed before going on, providing more reason for me to say yes. I slowly walked into our bedroom as she continued. My husband followed, a hand on my shoulder, the back of my royal blue silk blouse.

“I figured we could meet you all in Atlanta and get her from there, so you all wouldn't have to come all the way here – and then just do the same at the end of the summer,” she said, everything figured out, as usual. “When does school end?”

“The second week in May. We can bring her the following week.” I curled on my bed, laying the phone down, and stroked the coils behind my ears.

“Ok, good! I'm looking forward to seeing her. I know she has grown six inches since I last saw her.” Her voice sounded amazed, amused, proud her granddaughter would probably be as tall as she was, at 6 feet even.

“Yes, I think so. She's at my height now.”

“Wow, Kali. What are you gonna do with her?” My Mother-in-Law laughed, an unspoken understanding of her double meaning between us. I sighed, “I do not know. She's not my baby anymore, I guess.”

“Not anymore,” my Mother-in-Law said. Neither of us spoke for a second. My husband knelt by me at the side of the bed, continued the conversation, oblivious to the tension. I was lost in thought. What was I gonna do with Kisanii? She would be an official teenager soon.

“Alright,” my Mother-in-Law said, “I'll let you all go. I just wanted to go ahead and get a plan together -” like she didn't already have one “- and get her out here, before the summer was over.” She chuckled.

“Ok, then,” I said, looking at my husband, wishing he could help. “I need to get these kids outside for a little while, anyway. Take them to the park or something. It's a nice day today; I'd hate to waste it indoors. I'll talk to you later.”

“Alright,” she said. We all said our goodbyes, and I hung up, torn.

Three months later

In Kennesaw, we met my in-Laws at Laredo's off Barrett Parkway. When Kisanii got out of her Grandfather's car, her younger sisters and brother all ran to her, hugging her and keeping her from walking properly. They'd missed her. I took a minute to take in my child as she and I walked toward one another.

Kisanii was carrying a new medium sized, black bag with a picture of a gray wolf in a wood, turning its head toward a glowing moon. I glanced at my Mother-in-Law, who just watched me, triumphant.

Kisanii looked like a different person. Her jet black, springy curls had been straightened out, and was in a long ponytail down her back. I clenched my teeth but was not surprised, since every time my daughters visited their Grandmother for an extended length of time, their hair was always hot-comb straightened, no matter how much I objected. What was different was her face. Kisanii always had the slanty deep brown eyes that reminded me of mine, but now there was something about them, something...knowing, that had been there only barely, before she left in May. As she looked at me, after enduring the pawing of her siblings, I had to catch my breath at my daughter's apparent maturity. What happened to my daughter?

Kisanii gave me a wide, warm smile, and I suddenly felt choked up. She doesn't resent me, she's still my girl, I said to myself. When I reached her, wrapped my arms around her, and she held me with a power and confidence I knew was from her summer of activity, I felt my eyes burn a bit, my body betraying me in its sentimentality. She is my girl, but not my girl, and now she knows it. The only relief I felt is that she didn't seem to mind. Apparently her Grandmother hadn't attempted to turn her against me, which I was grateful for.

Even if I was not happy she had gone against my wishes with Kisanii.

Her Grandmother and I exchanged another look, and I detected a challenge in her eyes. I challenged right back - Don't test me - but for the sake of the family, neither of us said anything as we all entered the restaurant to eat. There would be words later.

That night, back at home and after everyone was in bed, I went downstairs and called my Mother-in-Law. She answered almost as soon as the phone rang.

“Kali,” she said by way of greeting, all business.

“Rita,” I said. “I take it you know why I'm calling.”

“Yes; I figured you would,” she said, unconcerned, “and you're probably not happy.”

“No,” I said. “I really didn't want this now. We talked about it before, and I thought we had agreed...”

“She was ready. It was my duty to take advantage of that,” she told me, matter of fact. “You can't keep the child from being who she is.”

I remained calm. Why did grandparents think they could do whatever they wanted? “Rita,” I said, keeping an ear open for my husband, or the kids. “I know you mean well, but 'Sanii is only a kid. This would be a lot on her.”

“She'll be thirteen in three months. She may as well go on and start now. That's the best way for her to get used to it, get proficient at it.”

“Yes, maybe so, but I really wanted her to wait until she was older.” I was getting agitated. I sighed, knowing the real reason was I didn't want my daughter to be any more than she appeared to be – a typical tween girl, with typical tween girl problems. “Being a Wolf Warrior is a lot for a thirteen year old girl,” I said almost to myself.

“And you know that how?” I bristled at her words. “She should have started training a year ago, Kali. That's how it goes with us. Hell, I started at nine, and I turned out fine. You Cats don't seem to understand, for some reason, how important it is to start Alphas out as soon as you see the signs. Being one yourself you should know.”

I took a deep breath, let it out, slowly. She said the word 'Cats' like it was a bad thing. This 'Dog' was testing me, but I would not respond to that. Insults and rudeness were beneath me, just as she was.

We didn't speak for a minute. I guess what was done was done, what had to be, had to be, but I didn't like it, didn't like her attitude. Who was she to judge when it was right to begin the training, I thought. But I knew that when tweens started showing an increased interest in particular animals or activities, when the dreams began, when the body became stronger and full of unreleased energy, it was time. No motherly over-protectiveness could change that.

“You straightened her hair.” I said this because what I was thinking would not be polite.

She scoffed. “When was the last time you saw a curly-haired wolf?”

I stiffened at her sarcasm. My Mother-in-Law went on, quickly. “She'll need to be training with us, on a regular basis. She'll need to study with her own kind -” her tone was snotty as she said this, then quickly added, “- so she doesn't get rusty. You may want to consider letting her stay with us.” She paused. “Unless you want to find a pack there for her to live with.”

She knew I would not do that. They would not treat me as “kindly” as my Mother-in-Law would, because I was an enemy, one of the Cat People. My status as Queen Warrior would just barely be respected, if at all. Even she only tolerated me because of her son and our children. Another pack may not accept my daughter, not until she had proven herself as one of them, and they wouldn't make it easy.

I decided to be cool. Rita was right, in a way. If I wanted to look out for my daughter, prepare her for the double life she would have to live because of her heritage, it needed to start now, should have started earlier. I guess I just wanted her to be a normal kid for as long as possible, in a world that only understood and accepted what it believed to be normal. Even if none of us really were.

“I know you really don't understand my point of view, Kali,” she assumed. “But Kisanii knows who she is, and has decided to accept it. She began her training, and it was her decision to begin. She took it well. I think you need to let go. It could be worse, don't you think?”

That better not be some kind of dig at my feline heritage, I thought, knowing Rita was familiar with the rough training my kind had to endure, worse than hers had been. Rita was being disrespectful, and I began stroking the curls at the back of my neck, calming myself. She must have forgotten. She was just an Alpha. I was Queen, and stronger. If we were face to face, I could destroy her.

I just said, “Yes. It was going to happen at some point. I know.” I was sad, but she didn't need to know that. “I will talk to my husband. But I don't think he'll understand this.”

“No. I've tried to talk to him about us, but once he got older, he didn't believe. Thinks I just like telling stories about our family line to make us appear more than human." She laughed bitterly. "It skipped him, anyway. And...you've never told him about you, have you?”

“No.” I waited, thought. “I will let her live with you. Give me a chance to talk to him. I'll make him believe.”

I hung up, before she could object that I could do what she had failed at for years.

I didn't want to let my baby go live with her Grandparents, but I couldn't teach her what she needed to know, not about that part of her. I made my way up the stairs, and thought about what I would say to the man I married about our little girl growing up.