After spending the Memorial Day Weekend watching both seasons of 'The Walking Dead', it occurred to me there needs to be a set of rules to guide those who plan on surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.
Though there are people out there who are actually stocking up on guns and what-not in preparation of a real 'pock-y-clipse' featuring zombies or worse, 'furriners', I believe these rules will help them as well.
While your neighbors, co-workers, family and friends are freaking out as to 'what's going on?', you will no doubt have these rules hardwired into memory or on a cheat sheet you always keep with you. So pay close attention and take notes (no there won't be a quiz, but you damn sure don't want to fail the practical exam!)
Rule #1- Everything has changed
In every ZA flick you always hear people flipping out asking questions like, 'what's going on?', 'why is this happening?, yadda, yadda. The answers are simple: 'Mofo's are running around eatin' people en masse' and 'Because it is, now shut up and run for your life!'
From the moment you see the reporter and camera crew get overrun and eaten on TV or look out the window and see your neighbors literally ripping your former loudmouth neighbor to pieces, the world as you knew it is over. Accept it.
Rule #2 - All bets are off
In every ZA flick there's always someone whining about 'morality', 'feeling attachment for a zombified loved one' or 'being hostile because of racial, ethinc...' you get the picture. Let me break it down for you. First refer to Rule #1 when you want to rely on your usual thinking or modus operandi. Then recognize all that crap doesn't mean jack anymore. From now on, there are only two kinds of people left in the world; those who are not being eaten and those who are. In the ZA scenario, Humanity is back in 'Savannah Mode'. That means you and every red-blooded person still alive are 'rabbits' and there are hordes of hungry undead wolves on your tails. So that means the honkeys, chinks, greasers, spics, towel heads, redskins, dot heads and nigga's you were arguing with 10 minutes ago are now your allies! Every extra set of eyes and hands are going to come in damn handy. So you better get over your differences quick 'cause they no longer apply.
Rule #3 - Unless you're already there, Don't go home
What's the first thing you hear mofo's say when the feces hit the oscillating air flow cooling unit? 'I've got to get home! I've got to find my family!' Yeah, about that. Here's the thing. Odds are, stuff is jumping off in all directions. So the chances things are already popping off on the homefront are unfortunately pretty good. You're probably saying, 'but I've got to save my family!' Yeah, but you've got three major problems with that. Location, Distance and Time.
Location - If you're in a city, you've got your own problems. Cities are the overflowing 'cornucopia' of zombies. Depending on how fast the 'Sickness' is spreading, you may have only hours or moments to un-ass your current location before you get overrun and turned into 'zombie chow'.
Distance - If there's a considerable distance to cover like 10 miles or more, forget it. Yeah, yeah, I know, 'I've got to save my family!' Well consider this, they've got the exact same issues you do at the same time. Depending on their location, they could already be ass deep in zombies whilst you're trying to literally 'fight' your way through traffic! More than likely you never got around to turning your house, duplex or apartment into the armed citadel of your dreams fully stocked with food, water and armaments. With that in mind, your home is no doubt just as 'soft' when it comes to keeping out zombie hordes as everybody else's is! So more than likely your familia are probably fighting off the hungry dead as you read this....
Time - The real 'killer' in this scenario is time. The more time passes, the worse the situation is going to get. In the initial hours of the outbreak, the number of infected will grow exponentially. Before or if Rigor Mortis sets in, the zombies are going to be fast. Damn fast. Unless you've kept up your high school track skills or made your living as a purse snatcher, you'll have to fight and run. Clock keeps ticking, you're going to get tired 'cause you can run on adrenaline only so long. The infected unfortunately don't have that problem. So the more time you'll have to spend trying to get home, the greater the odds your family will have run for their lives by the time you get there.
So even now if you're still saying, 'but I've got to save my family!' refer to rules #1 and #2.
Rule #4 - Be prepared to go 'Conan' on a mofo
Let's face facts. In the ZA scenario, you've got dead mofo's trying their damndest to turn you into 'Fool under glass'. You also have around you as Agent 'K' from MIB eloquently phrased it; "A bunch of dumb, dangerous and panicky animals' represented by your fellow homosapiens. 'Wise men' by the way who in blind panic are knocking each other over and trampling the fallen, thus making the zombie's dining selection process that much easier.
In order to clear a safe path for yourself and your fellow survivors, you're going to have to get your hands dirty. Big time. It is highly probable, the most efficient way to dispatch the infected will be a shot or crushing blow to the head. Let's just say it is all but certain you won't have a rifle, pistol or assault weapon with plenty of ammo on hand when things start jumping off. You're going to have to get a suitable blunt or edged weapon... right now. When you do, you're going to have to get as Clint Eastwood said in "Unforgiven", "... Plum mad dog mean." That means if it's dead, bash it in the head. If it's live, bash it 'till it dies.
What? You're saying I should kill potential survivors? If they are panicked and are about to put you in a situation where you can't escape, yup. With extreme prejudice. In the film '28 Days Later' when Selena thought for an instant her longtime comrade had been bitten, she instantly hacked him to death. Despite his screams, she mercilessly did him in. She survived. Let that be a lesson! If you have a problem with that your choices are; allow the person to turn and infect you and your fellow survivors or stop whining and accept rules #'s 1 and 2 then dispatch your bud quick!
Rule #5 - Adapt
I cannot stress enough Rule #1. Because of rule #1, you must adapt to the new situation. Your days of corporate austerity, girly-girl chic or metrosexual style are over. Clothes that restrict movement or reveal skin are absolutely out! Perfume, cologne, scented deodorant, baby powder, scented soaps are also out. It's a pretty good guess the infected are working with the basic senses alone. It's probable dead noses could transmit sensory info for a while in the initial hours, days and weeks, as the sense of smell will be the primary source of detecting the living. You don't want to help them sniff you out 'cause you couldn't let go your fav' scent.
Adapting means you're going to have to do what the situation requires. If the only way to hide from 'Walkers' is to jump into a sewer, get to jumping. If you have to cover yourself in walker guts and gore to pass among them unnoticed, don't forget to get that hard to reach spot on your back!
If you are claustrophobic but the safest place to hide is an air conditioning vent, get your ass in there and keep your trap shut.
You will also have to change your behavior. If you're a talker when you're nervous, shut up. If you fidget, be still. You a farter when you get scared? Put a cork in it. Teeth chatter? Stick something between your teeth thick enough to keep your jaws from moving and bite down.
Rule #6 - Heroes get eaten
Before you say, 'but I've got to save people!' Yeah, when you can and if you can. But not at the expense of your own life. The price of selfless heroism is being dinner. Save your bravery for when you have to be cunning or stealthy or when it's time to bust open a hole so you and your fellow survivors can make a run for it. What your fellow survivors need to see from you is your determination to get out alive. If you've got a problem with that see rules #1 and 2.
Rule #7 - Let those who are about to die... die
This is the harshest rule of all and where rules #1 and #2 apply the most. It is safe to ascertain a ZA is an 'unnatural situation'. Now that you and your fellow survivors up to now are in a prey-predator dynamic, you have to recognize that everyone in the group ain't gonna' make it. Babies, young children, the extreme elderly, the non-mobile, semi-mobile injured/disabled and the mentally disabled will all be the first to go. I know, I know, 'but we have to help everybody!' Again, I refer you to rules #1 and #2.
Yes, it's a horrible thought to even think about babies, small children and grandma/granpa being devoured by zombies, but remember the rabbit analogy. There's a reason you never see baby or elderly rabbits in the wild. If you can see them something's about to eat them. Also, you have those individuals who get what is called 'Deathstruck'. Those who are deathstruck
are stricken with a panic that literally causes them to move or freeze in the path of potentially fatal activity. These people are dangerous! All too often those who are possessed of the heroic impulse leap to save these persons and usually both end up dead. In the situation of a ZA, that 'bad end' is certain. If someone is deathstruck and throws themselves into death's jaws, don't let their sacrifice go in vain!
These are just the first few hard and fast rules, for Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. In Part II, you'll learn what's necessary for staying alive once you escape the initial event! Until then, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
© 2012 H. Wolfgang Porter. All Rights Reserved. Images used are owned by their prospective copyright holders.
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