"Is anybody going to get that?" Being the farthest away, I thought it pertinent that I ask, just in case one of the people closer to it, might want to do something about it.
"Get what? I don't see anything. Don't you see I am sleeping?"
No such luck. Perhaps the other one will do better.
"You know, you would see a lot better if you eyes were open. Try it."
Strike two, now let's listen for his excuse...
"I got the last evil. I have no intention of getting down from this tree. Besides its so small, surly he can manage it on his own."
"Are we betting the farm on that?" I tried to be reasonable as I got up to go and squish the latest evil to make its way into the house. I could see it, cloaked around the spider, draped through with the menace we were sent here to face.
Don't mind me. I am just walking here. Look I stopped. Don't want anything. Just moseying along. The spider mumbles to itself as it tries to make it through the room full of cats. The contract it picked up on its way here, said it would be a cakewalk.
Get in, sting the man, drop the venom pack laced with Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (I simply love how that sounds, almost as sexy as latrovenom, only the sexy poison this side of a black widow)and we are outta here. Nobody said anything about cats, a room full of cats, three cats, twelve legs, forty pounds of attitude and no place decent for a spider to get a bite on them.
"Okay, I'll get it. Then I am going on patrol, this is the third one this week."
"Whatever, bring me something back."
"I don't think so Big Boy. If there is anything to be found, I will be eating it all. I won't be bringing anything back."
I am almost to the door, I am going to be able to squeeze under it, and I will be in the clear. Cats can't go under doors. Uh-oh, that thump. That can only mean one thing. Going to have to RUN! I am lightning-streaking through the night. I am a hurricane wind whipping through trees. I am the living embodiment of speed, move left, now right, stop. Dodge. Running like crazy, jump left, missed me. Run again. Oh damn, what is this? A carpet, its plush. Speed is slowed to a crawl. Navigating the strings. Stop. He's right there. His breath is Death, the destroyer of worlds. Being still.
I know I saw it moving toward the door. If he gets under it, the Man will have to handle it himself. Stop, lock the vision, blur for motion, there. I've got him, bounding. He is in the carpet. Hold still.
I know he is there. I can see him, his cold eyes staring down at me, his stilled breath. He is using that cat thing, where they stare you into moving. Well I won't do it. I will stand right here. I will teach him to mess with me. I will be still. I will not move.
Where is it? I know its here. Focus on the motion, lock on to the slightest of motions. Open the pupils, let in every scrap of light. Slow down time. Raise the paw, slowly, ever so slowly. Don't let him see it.
He's staring right at me. Does he see me? He's looking right at me. He's trying to trick me into moving by pretending he can't see me. I'm on to him. Frozen in time. He, hey what's that slow moving shadow? He can see me. I am not going out like this. I will make a run for it. I'm young, I'm fast, I have my whole life ahead of me. I am like lightning...
I don't know where he is. I guess I am going to have to call this one off. Movement, pounce, pounce, flip, flip. Snap. "Mmmm, chewy. You two suck. Its a wonder anything gets done around here."
"And you are so much better than we are..."
"Protect the Man, that is the mission. Is there a part of that statement you don't understand. If you can't do it because we have a metaphysical obligation placed upon us by higher powers, surely you can do it because he feeds you."
At the mention of feeds, Big Boy's ears pop up from their flattened I'm-ignoring-your-rantings state to alert attention. "Go on."
"What? You need more than that? You like to eat, he feeds you. If something happens to him, who knows what will become of us. You know She does not like us. She tolerates us for him."
"Relax Sleek-black, you are too intense. We have to just embrace the coolness of life."
"Look Furball, all of us aren't descended from a bunch of lazy forest-dwelling, long-haired hippies who have been inbred to maintain their flowing locks at the expense of having an IQ in the double-digits."
"Harsh, man. True, but Harsh." Furball curled back up and proceeded to wrap his exceedingly long and amazingly fluffy tail around his supine and curled up body, displaying the aloof, I-can't-hear-you posture.
There is a skittering sound in the kitchen, giant claws skittering across a too clean floor. "Hello, Cats."
Ugh, just what I don't want. A conversation with enthusiasm-mania.
"Heard there was some Evil here. I am ready to fight. Just show me where it is. I am all over it. I will..."
"Stop. We appreciate your eagerness to help fight evil, but, well you're a Dog and dogs were not meant to fight Evil. You're for tackling the mundane issues of life, burglars, dropped broccoli, licking and adoration of the Man and his Mrs. That is your lot in life. Lowly that it may be."
Sleek-black stood up and began to pace as if he were a professor in a classroom with particularly not bright students. His tail waved like a baton emphasizing certain words. "The fighting of Evil," he began with a particular stress on the word evil, strongly delineating the two syllables, 'E-vielll,' "the supernatural menaces that lurk in the dark, things that go bump in the night (when its not us), those things that are just a step away from conquering the world every day, that is the role of the Cat." With the word cat, his tail stood straight out with only the tip pointing at himself.
"Isis gave it to us and we are doomed to fight Evil, not the mundane evil, with the little E, until the end of the world or until we destroy all the Evil left on Earth. So no, to answer your question, we cannot go out and fight evil today. You are ill equipped to do so, lacking the basic criteria required to even acknowledge evil or for that matter even see it."
Big Boy looked up, his shining blue eyes, half lidded followed up with, "Yeah, what he said." He put his head on his paws as he observed the Labrador from high in the main cat tree.
Not to be deterred, Zeus, the dog in question, asked "What if you are attacked by a burglar or some other, what's that word, uh, mundane evil? Could I help then?"
Well technically that was a right good question and I had to think about it for a moment. What did we do when confronted by mundane evil? We ran away, it wasn't our job. "Not saying you have a point or anything but perhaps we could go out together and improve our chances. You can fight evil, and I will destroy, E-veill." Not acknowledging anything about his going out with the dog, or having a Dog along on the quest to destroy Evil, Sleek-black walked past Fur-ball, who was doing as his name suggested, and whacked him in passing.
"What?"
"Cat says what?" Zeus muttered under his breath.
"What?" Fur-ball muttered again before drifting back off into sleep.
"Open that gate, Zeus."
"Okay, Cat."
"You may address me as Sleek-black."
"When we first met, you told me I was never to call you by name."
"And you still aren't. That is my appellation. My callsign as it were to the world of Evil. If you are going to be fighting Evil with me, you will need a appellation so that Evil will know you are coming and fear you."
"Big Dog."
Sigh. "Good enough. Close the door behind you."
Cats Versus Evil © Thaddeus Howze 2011. All Rights Reserved
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