My eyes started to open about the 5th grade. We lived in the new projects built on a fresh landfill. It was sweet for a while, then we got our own house where I became a teen. Looking back I saw the pattern how the urge of care produced a big bang of built progress, but no sustainability in people.
We'd all cry out "unfair!", get smoothed over with fanfare, then slide again into despair. I remember castoff teachers and bullies in school. How I wished I could blame them today, my foundations are as stable as the landfill we lived on. The trouble with me was the wakeup was slow, my timing was off. Perhaps I could have compensated for the lacks in the system and made alternative choices. There were parallel circumstances going on that threw me off. I kept waking up and going back to sleep. Soon I realized sleep helped me not deal with some complexities of life. I fought harder to awaken.
All this time I cursed my brain, a run away explorer, taking opportunity when no opportunity was there. Busy wither I had the skills, tools or not. It made use of everything awake or sleep. I had to tinker, had to draw, had to act out, had to act up, I had to, I just had to. To grow a developing brain is hard without skills, tools. No math to speak of, ironic I became a draftsman. No science yet I formulate many ideas that require science. Some times I lay on my bed, eyes unable to close. Something had removed the little light-bulb of ideas and replaced it with a photographer's flash. Flash, flash, flash, soon like a deer in the headlights, I see you but don't. It's grand, too grand to draw, too grand to write down. Funny thing is that I thought they were fleeing images passing through me, then gone forever. Now I realize they are my realizations of the whole world I know. No wait, I've seen this before. The soul is the present, the spirit is ancient. I extend my soul, there is want of filling. Like the landfill of my old neighborhood, it is not able to sustain. I touch the spirit, there is rest but an overwhelming fullness. You can't be empty, you can't be full, your awareness can't take it, so we struggle to awake somewhere between the two.......This has been science fiction radio, the attack of the creative brain.
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