Vampires are terrible

By the title of this post you can probably guess that that I am about to rant about sparkly vampires or loving vampires or generally any sort of vampire that would not feature predominantly as a villain in a Blade reboot (ed:  Blade Reboot? awesome sauce!). 


For the most part, you would be wrong. There is generally nothing wrong with twinkle vampires or any other form of fiction that explores wish fulfillment. There is a lot of "my rich boyfriend is a secret badass" to a lot of modern Vampire stories. As a result, people think the genera is over. No more vampire stories! people (namely book agents) cry!

 There is nothing wrong with the genera. It might just be that the current story slate, i.e. rich boyfriend, needs to be investigated further. Economic theory says that if nothing else, most vampires should be at least affluent, if not down right uber-wealthy. Figure out a story that explains how your sexy vampire got his cash.

ISSUE 1: Vampires Are(or should be) Rich.

Vampires, without direct violence, can be expected to live anywhere from "A Very Long Time" to "Infinity." While that sounds great in and of itself, it is really great from an economic stand point. Most vampires lack the need of actual economic inputs (read: food, clothing, shelter, sleep...air). As such, their actual cash outlays are minimal to non-existent. If they possess special powers, such as super speed or flight, then generally they have zero to minimal transportation costs. Think about the cost of an average transatlantic flight. Vampires pocket that for fancy hotels and ebony wood coffins.

However, most vampires lack a normal occupation (with the exception of that one that was a Rock Star and that other one that ran a medical clinic in Washington State). One assumes, if you rob your food source (i.e. people), after a few years you have acquired some sizable assets.  Let's assume that your vampire boyfriend is nice and does not commit regular robbery/homicides every other lunch period.

However, lets also not assume that he hails from some degenerate landed gentry or b) employs some sort of glamer on people, thereby hypnotizing them into giving them money.  Assuming he was, in his mortal incarnation, middle class; then by investing some portion of his money (which he really does not need)  in the sock market (say in General Electric Stock in 1915) and living solely off the dividends (or reinvestment or diversifying in times of economic struggle), then by the time he hit the 90's tech bubble he would be a millionaire several times over. By not touching the principal, each vampire more than 50 or 60 years old should have a sizable amount of the worlds money locked up in various modern, seaside, homes.

So any story that I encounter that does not explain why a) the vampire is or isn't rich, or b) lacks the assistance of a good financial advisor, is generally suspect.

ISSUE 2: Vampires Are Bad at Science.

Vampires, as stated above, are considerably long lived. Generally, society mourns the loss of great intellects, from Newton to Einstein. One would think that Vampires would scoop up these top notch scientist at the bargain basement price of "almost dead".  Why stop there? Why not selectively "convert" the top graduate  of a highly prestigious technical university.

 There should be vampire covens of geniuses, sitting around creating fantastic works of art, literature, and science. One should assume that the internally produced vampire literature is significantly superior to human literature. Most vampire stories take the position that only good looking people of an artistic bent, become vampires (see said rock star). However, rarely do we get a story about the great and fabulous Vampire museums featuring the "post-turned" works of Picasso, Muro et. al.

Most vampires stories paint the species at a significant technological and ecological disadvantage relative to humans. Vampires rely on a slowly reproducing natural resource that is subject to plagues, pandemics, endemic violence, and natural and cosmic disasters. Modern day farmers would not tolerate the level of uncertainty in the long term viability of their stock. Likewise, surveillance technology, networked infrastructure, high-capacity ammunition, and directed energy weapons all level the playing field against the natural gifts of the supernatural.

It would be natural that, with unlimited life spans and budgets, individual vampires should be able to privately fund all manner of Manhattan Project-style endeavors. For example, given their superhuman abilities, vampires re almost specifically designed for Deep Ocean and Deep Space exploration.

A round trip to Proxima Centuri, at 1/10 the speed of light (which is all we could ever be capable of with modern technology) would take 80 years. This is seen as a barrier for humans, but with a steady supply of cryogenically frozen blood, would be a cake walk for vampires. Assuming ambitions closer to home, one would expect that at least some vampires use their vast wealth and time horizons to devise counter-measures to human extinction (since one prefaces the other), ready to be deployed at a moment's notice.

At the very least, you would assume that Vampires operate technology that is several generations ahead of our own. Faster computers, smaller devices, robots . (ed - see Vampire Hunter D series for technologically advanced vampires).


The point here is to note that the Vampire genre, just like any other genre, has room for interpretation or reinvention. Just because there have been a spate of successful, "Vampires are my Boyfriend", books doesn't mean that every story that could be written about them has been written. Now, a book on Vampire Economics might not get turned into a best selling novel series, but it would definitely set the author apart.

@Moorsgate

www.moorsgatemedia.blogspot.com

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